Why can’t I just be happy. After all the first pregnancy wasn’t planned and we were happy about that. It really does just seem much more complicated.
It was slightly difficult the first time. It was the first time after all, so much terminology to understand and getting to grips with losing control over my body (no fear of that anymore – it is truly long gone). In addition we had to understand the possible impact that Niemann-Pick might have on our unborn child. There was a lot to learn about this rare disease that was hereditary and had taken my husband’s sister at a very young age. So, slightly complicated; genetics lessons, statistics lessons and then all the usual possible complications to get to grips with. By number two we were pros. Planned it, breezed through the pregnancy and even managed to give birth in 2.5 hours. And a boy to add to our little girl. Perfect. Go us!
Now number three. Not planned. If that was all, we could live with it, I would be happy. Things were not easy after the birth of number two. Rather large family conflict combined with PND and glorious lack of sleep that comes with an additional child left me absent from my own life. I pulled away from friends and just did day-to-day survival. Thankfully a few friends didn’t give in and helped to drag me back to a new normality, but I was determined that two was enough, I was petrified of going back anywhere close to the darkness. We were done.
It goes beyond this. I’d get over myself (possibly). May 28th 2011 I got a headache. It left me in bed in pain for days. It never left. Blood tests, scans, doctor after doctor and a consultant or two later, I am on my third trial of medication trying to get this thing called NDPH under some semblance of control and I am getting somewhere. I had it reduced to dull aches for a fair number of days. I had spike days, but chains of days with just a headache. I am incredibly lucky. Some people don’t get here after years. It is unlikely given the advice of the drug company I’ll be able to stay on these meds and to be honest I was unlikely to anyway.
So not planned, had mentally put babies in the done box and have the consequences on my NDPH hanging over me. Let’s also remember we have given away EVERYTHING!
Still. Life goes on. It is early, there is a long way to go and ready or not it has happened and it is time to buckle up and enjoy the ride.